Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
