yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I can't turn off my feet"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
