Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
