im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
