just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
