Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
