you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
