after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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