I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
