Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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