I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize