i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
