I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
