you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
