So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
