it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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