You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
