If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
