Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
