the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
