He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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