There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
