Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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