Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
