I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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