My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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