I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize