She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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