If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
