I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
