my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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