so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
