Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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