Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
