I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
