i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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