In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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