The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I want her autograph on my taint
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
