Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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