i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
