I want to walk on stilts...naked
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
