is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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