Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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