college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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