new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
