is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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