Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
