remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
