You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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