You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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