It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
