Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
