The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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