my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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