the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
