i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
