Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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