at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
