found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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